Notes Of A Teenage Mockery
by thedoctorisdying
Summary: The story of a girl who is sexually mentally/emotionally and physically abused who copes by cutting. A spin of of laurie anderson's book Speak, and a book called SCARS. by Cherly Somthing :P
1. Worthless Bitch

**So Basically This Is the story of A girl Who refused to cry a river. I've been writing this for a while since I read Scars by Laurie Anderson (GREAT READ BTW) basically this is Britney, she is one 'effed up chick. (no offense) she is part my own experinces and thoughts and part Scars main character whose name I caint place at the moment;/ so there you have it I have up to chapter 12 written all ready but I don't want to bog down my computer and my hands hurt from typing "the story of us" all day.**

**HAPPY READINGS**

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><p>I lay in the midst of my cold bedroom in front of a wide open window. With no one to talk to I felt alone. I was sore partially from the day's physical activity, partiality from the unjust beating I had just received. The dark sky in front of me light only by the small amount of moonlight that reached out through the trees. I counted the shades of grey that made the scenery of my front yard. Light escaped from my window painting the foot tall grass in front of our small double wide. I listened to my mother scream her random hypocrisy at our guests "I would never hit a child!" she lied to them. "I raised my kids well" she screamed her slander across our house.<p>

Raise? Raise My Ass! Once I wasn't cute and cuddly she left me at the mercy of him. I was nothing more than his toy for 3 years! Three Fucking Years! _But you didn't stop him did you mum? No you didn't you didn't care. I was out of your way!_ She didn't care, as long as I wasn't irritating her. When I told her she said I was a liar. It didn't stop till I stopped it! I was forced alone to wake up to his face, there lies, I was forced to pretend everything was fine. When nothing is _fine_ nothing is _alright_. I'm burnt out and I'm tired. My life is supposed to be different!

I've got a question for all you "Jesus-Freaks". Where was your "God"? What kind of "trial" is this? Physical, Emotional, And Sexual abuse, alone ugly, broken? Where was your "God"? The Great merciful all powerful God that for so long I _thought _cared? Where was He? Where is He now?

A loud clamor burst through my door _'damn it I need to lock that more often'_ I thought. My brother burst into my room interrupting my rant to the landscape. Terror struck me. I pointed my feet clenched my stomach, and flexed every muscle in my peculiarly strong body. I was officially alert.

"Get to bed you worthless Bitch!" He called across the room. The word irked me so much I wanted to slap the taste out of his mouth but I couldn't move. I stayed stiff. Yep that was me, the worthless bitch. My light cut off, my door slammed, and I was left alone in the darkness. My body loosened and I shifted up into bed carefully. Knowing where every needle, every razor, every scissor blade, even the large shard of glass that was close to stabbing into my left calve. I lay back surrounding myself with them. I smiled surrounded by my lovers.

I closed my eyes and imagined a face, putting each piece intricately in order, unique and proportional. I barely noticed my hand grasping a blade skillfully painting the picture into my lower right arm. Until I recognize the face. The blade drops onto the bed next to me. I ached for sleep, blood pouring out of my arm into a puddle around me, like a red river into a dead sea.

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><p><strong>So there you have it, I know it didn't start describing all the characters I hate books that start that was so I refuse to start mine, but don't worry I'm an imagery freak!<strong>

**-*REVIEWS ARE LOVE*-**


	2. Walls

**So this chapter (and the next) digress slightly from the plot line at hand, you will notice that alot of times it just goes into Britney's thoughts describing, ranting, remembering, somthing without notice...**

**HaPpY rEaDiNgS **

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><p>I woke up the next morning; I pushed myself carefully out of the bed glaring at my wrists. Just another thing I failed at. I pulled of my black undershirt and cotton dance shorts, and examined my small scared body. 37 scars on my right thigh, I counted, 16 scars on my left wrist (not counting the scabs) and various scars scattering across my body. I shrugged '<em>I must be<em> _good at failing' _I thought pulling on my skinny jeans and black halter top, plus a hot pink jacket to hide my wrists. I picked up my heavy book bag and started the hour and a half long journey to school.

School was a different aspect of my life. I had these _"friends"_ who saw me as a crazy hilarious bad ass. Somehow it was acceptable from me. I was so good at acting like I was happy and content, acting like life was all good and all the ends meant. I almost felt whole, wanted, loved, but then someone would make a joke of suicide, or rape, or abuse and I would remember I'm still a worthless lost cause without any hope of succeeding at anything.

Few of my "_friends"_ knew anything about my life outside of school, few even knew out of the class they spent with me. Each class I was different some classes I was loud, obnoxious, and crazy kind of like the class clown. Some classes I was quieter, more afraid to step in for a fear of rejection. But one thing that never changed was my wall.

My wall stood 10 feet tall incasing me. It was thick enough to rebuild the wall of China and then some. My wall stood between me and the world, protecting what was left of my heart and soul from being jaggedly impaired. My wall stood between me and anything and everything rejecting my mere existence. There is only one person who got through the wall and almost saw everything, but she is gone now…

There was one person who I let almost into my wall, and he attacks it like a hurricane. He is like a hot knife on butter. His smile, his voice, his eyes, everything about him that he finds so disgusting, I found as perfect. Everything about him screamed let me in and most of the time I almost do.

The last bell rang shattering my fantasy and pulled me into the real world. Now reality can be a nice place but I don't want to live there. In reality he was standing outside m classroom waiting on me, with her. She draped herself over him like a coat over a chair

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><p><strong>So That's that school. walls. and Him...<strong>

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	3. Hanna Lean

**Yes hopelessromantic99 HANNA LEAN is HANA:) Just pointing that out this is her chapter.**

**Dedicated to Hana a great freind of mine:)**

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><p>She had a massive god complex. One she more than deserved. I couldn't compare to her, her pleated mini skirt with matching pumps, her halter top with matching over shirt. All of which came together with her accessories and the simple gold chain she wore dangling her promise ring. Her faint traces of make-up pulling out her big seductive brown-green eyes, her short dark hair never fell in the same way and she never seems to run out of things to say. She was sweet, talented, nothing I could compare to.<p>

Me? I was about the opposite. Every day I wore skinny jeans, white running shoes, and an uncovered black halter top, on ring in my bottom lip to the right, and a simple green stone in my noes on the left. I wore enough make-up no one would recognize me without it, and my long dark blonde hair was always in a high pony tail. I wore a small silver chain dangling a silver fairy with aquamarine wings every day. I was blunt and cold had no talents. I could never come even remotely close to anything like her.

Hanna Lean, the only who has truly gotten close to me since Her, the only girl who knew about Her, My daughter, sister, and better half. She was one of the only few people who climbed up my wall but fell down before she got to close.

She was the kind of person who thought of herself as less than everyone else, which was so not true because she was almost perfect. She was so beautiful so un-approachable, the kind of girl who looks like a goddess and you're afraid to go near for fear that you may tarnish her perfection, as she floats on her cloud into another world. She was beauty in its un-cut, true form. Sweetness multiplied by three thousand cupcakes topped. Funny without even trying. So smart Einstein was jealous. She was the kind of girl everyone knew as sweet and innocent. Sometimes I felt like I was corrupting her.

Standing in front of her now, cuddled against his arm, my heart cracked just the slightest bit and for the first time in a long time I my eyes watered up an a lump rose up in my throat "I want to be alone" I managed to croak out before turning and walking away.

I heard them calling but I didn't stop, didn't reply. I knew they wouldn't follow me. No one would, I had almost 2 hours of running ahead of me. So I didn't blame anyone. I reached the edge of the school property and took off down the sidewalk. Hot tears streamed down my face flying backwards with the wind.

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><p><strong>THERE YOU GO<strong>

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	4. Normal?

**Nice Simple Chapter After last chapters uhm... Er.. Rant? Idk what to call that. Well pretty simple...**

**Happy Readings:)**

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><p>After the long agonizing run to my trailer home back on them farm, form my big college prep Jr. High school in downtown ghetto No Where. I could barely breath, my lungs were stone, my legs were Jell-O, and my almost melted heart of ice turned back into a glacier and pounded into my chest like a jack-hammer. I headed up my quarter mile drive way through the thick woods the thick words that broke my land off from the dirt road side. My eyes burning like a venomous spider had taken a chunk from them, and my cheeks frozen into stone in its natural everlasting frown.<p>

I stepped up the old wooden steps at nearly dusk, walking into the house I was greeted by Nash sprawled out on the couch shouting over his shoulder "Your Late!" His voice bellowed making me jump a few inches forward, "Get your ass in the kitchen and start dinner" He commanded not the slightest bit happy, I knew he wasn't kidding. Is that how most brothers greeted their younger sisters? Then again do most teenagers disappear from 5:30 A.M till 5 or 6 P.M without their parent's notice? I guessed not. A lot of naïve people would claim I was lucky. I mean Ya, in some ways I was, I wasn't forced to do much, I wasn't forced to school, Or to get the Straight A's that I do.

But all I wanted was for once to get beat for failing algebra (which clearly I wasn't), or get grounded for coming home late. But no, I was beat for my parents' bad days, and I was home late every day because I had to walk 17 miles daily to get to my school. I've never been grounded, I'm held back from having friends over or going to parties or sleep overs because of my parents. But I wasn't going to.

One thing I've learned from my parents is my kids will never have to say "I hope my brother isn't in _that _mood" or wonder "How was mom/dad's day? Do I need to hide?" That's all I wanted.

Kids and I? We are great! I've never meant a child under 8 who didn't love me. From infant to about 7 who I couldn't get to take a nap. I guess me being fun and crazy little kids liked having me around. Having little kids around gave me a purpose larger than a punching bag or a sex doll, and a purpose was all I wanted in life. Little kids and _"friends"_ are like simple excuses to live.

I did as I was told and made dinner but I didn't eat, I never do. I don't eat, I can't. Truthfully I don't understand, I don't get it, I'm just never hungry. But none the less I bring my parents food, then Nash who has moved into his cold dark room that I knew all too well. They didn't thank me. Naturally.

I walked into my room, locked the door, turned my radio on, and began to study. It was Friday night, but that didn't matter because I never had a curfew anyhow. I pulled my chemistry book out with my notebook and a pen; I spent a few hours studying taking notes answering random questions. Then I put away the book and my notebook and pulled out my algebra II book and my algebra notebook and studied a little more. Then I attempted to practice my monologue in the mirror but I couldn't stand looking at my face. I gave up and went into my room to dabble in our book for literature appreciation. I ended up climbing in bed around midnight.

I laid in bed listening to the animals in the woods, the horrifying train in the distance. I listened to hawks and Owls argue across the spread of trees. I slowly drifted to sleep with hopes of a peaceful night.

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><p><strong>So there you have it nice and simple Shout out to SarahImmortal my lovely darling:)<strong>

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	5. Nikki Marie Daring

**Please NO HATING! This chapter is really Important to me, its not how its written its what it means...**

**RIP NIKKI MARIE DARING 3/9/97-6/3/09**

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><p>I woke up at six thirty regardless of it being Saturday. I cleaned my room, then Nash and I's bathroom, then the dining room, then the living room. By seven thirty I had cleaned most of the house basically spotless. I went in my room again slid on my jean shorts, boots, and a plain simple white T-shirt Painted with the initials N.M.D on a cross background. I slid the keys to the tractor carefully into my front pocket. I picked up my IPod my finger slipped over the same initials carved into the back of it with a small heart and "R.I.P".<p>

I ran as fast as my legs would swing. I could feel the wind blowing my face back. The soggy ground gave way under the slam of my faded cowboy boots. Soon I was by the toolshed that my friend and I built a few years back, Her Initials were spray painted on one side mine on the other.

I remember Nikki, remember her death, the reason she is dead, and the love. Nikki was the first girl I had ever loved. Around the summer of '09 I was supposed to meet Nikki early one morning, but I hit a bump.

I ended up cutting myself to sleep, after writing a long suicide note on my window. The next morning I didn't show so Nikki came to get me. I didn't really wake up, but kind of got hazy just long enough to see Nikki's green eyes filled with tears before she pushed out of my door her blonde hair tied behind her. I heard her sobs lessen as she got father down the hall then the front door opened and slammed shut. I watched Nikki go flying down my driveway in a burst of tears.

The Image of her emerald eyes blurred over with tears haunted me. After I had regained the strength to stand, I ran down after her to her house. The neighborhood was still asleep as was her house. I ran straight in, straight to her room, too late. I looked down at my best friend lifeless and cold. "You Cut, I Cut!" Said the note in her hand. I began to bawl for the first time in what felt like forever. I called 911 instantly. Within minutes her home and the neighborhood was wide awake. By an hour later news was buzzing with the news of Nikki's death but only I knew the truth.

It was entirely fault; I should have died not her! She was practically perfect, straight A's, everyone loved her. All she wanted was to teach me a lesson I so desperately needed to learn. But instead she died, she took my punishment. I've lived with an agonizing pain worse than death. Knowledge, I was truly too smart for my own good. Because I have the knowledge that

_I KILLED THE GIRL I LOVE._

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><p><strong><em>Intresting turn for the worst no?<em>**

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	6. Taleor Elizbeth Eberharty

**Tragic no? Well It gets worse.** **Again this is important to me so please dont hate on it!**

**R.I.P Taleor Elizbeth Eberharty 2/5/98-4/16/03**

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><p>After Nikki I promised I would never hurt anyone again. I put up my walls, had so many personalities I had some sort of selective M.P.D. No one knew me, that's just how I wanted it. How I needed it. This way I couldn't harm anyone. I promised myself I would never dream of love, because none of it was ever really worth this risk. I learned that the hard way, after Taleor I thought the answer was holding closer. Though time had begun to prove my theory correct, No one in nothing lost.<p>

I felt tears welling in my eyes; I flicked my IPod to Nikki's favorite song sided by her picture topping her list of hits from years back. "Seminole Wind" fought over the rumbling of the tractor as I began chugging along. Tear quickly rampaged my eyes like barbarians to a castle gate, by the end of the song I could barely see.

I punched down on the break almost as soon as it started. Hearing her name, her voice, seeing her smiling face. The image of her green eyes blurred with tears rushed over my mind. I broke again.

The song flipped over to a simple recording, "Hello my darling" Nikki's voiced giggled. I remembered the day. I sat in the shed the day we finished; we were both a little high off the paint fumes. We were both very giggly it was a good day. It was about dusk the sun was beginning to set over the corn field that previously consumed the grass I was currently trimming. She took my IPod and recorded her simple message. "I love you! Just reminding you, you are my baby" She giggled some more "never forget". There is a longer pause here, faint whispers in the back ground "You have to say who you are" I remember telling her like I would ever forget "This message has been approved by Nikki Marie Daring" She said as if she was running for president.

Sitting in the field in what was now the pouring rain, the air filled with the aroma of freshly cut grass, normally I would love the scene, and it would make me happy. I love the rain. Rain had a simple way of making me feel strong, like the sky's tears gave me strength to shed my own. But not now, not like this. Now all I could think of was Nikki and my promise to myself that I would never love again. Not after Taleor and Nikki loss was almost my area of expertise.

Taleor was my best friend from pre-K till she died spring break of 2nd grade. Nikki, Cheyanne and I decided that sticking together would help us get through it, in the end it worked out pretty horribly.

Taleor was more Nikki's friend like I was more Chey and Nikki's. We all knew about Tay, her parents beat her. Over spring break Chey, Nikki, and I were supposed to stay with Tay because her parent were getting worse and worse and they wouldn't do anything as long as we were there. But Nikki was sick so Chey and I skipped out on her. The next Monday when she didn't show up to school we all had a bad feeling, when the three of us got called to guidance, they confirmed it. Tay's mom beat her over the head with a pot knocking her into a counter where she cracked her skull and laid to bleed out.

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><p><strong>Sorry for the heavy graphics...<strong>

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	7. Cheyanne Jay Thomason

**It's sad really, I have up to like chapter 14 written out I'm just really to lazy to type it out... any how sorry for the wait I was out of town and unable to update, trust me it broke my heart..**

**HAPPY READINGS**

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><p>I drove again slower this time cutting through the rain back to the shed. I was a single survivor of 4. Taleor _ Nikki, see that huge gap? That is the missing link of my original friendship circle that was crushed oh so long ago.<p>

Cheyanne was that missing link; she died not to long after Taleor but not much before Nikki. It was her who suggested we pull together. Cheyanne died the summer before fourth grade. She and I were playing down by the rail road tracks. We could see the train, we could hear the train, we knew that the train was about a half a minute from being right in front of us and had no intention of slowing down. As we rushed back over the tracks to the safety of our fort to watch the train pass, Cheyanne tripped over herself just a little tiny bit, just enough to catch her foot under the track. After a struggle that had enough tension built up to last a life time, tension so thick you couldn't cut it with a chainsaw, she finally pulled her foot free, just in time for the train to plow over her small fragile body. Her body flew forward with the train falling about 2 miles up the tracks. All that was left in front of me was the small worn red sneaker that she had just wrangled her dainty foot out of.

Through 4th and 5th grade Nikki and I were known as the survivors, the girls who lived, and the ones who had seen it all. We spent 2 years as the best of friends the girls you looked at and think those to really must be twins. By 6th grade I had murdered all of my friends and no one wanted to befriend me. I instantly became the loner and the emo. 7th grade I had a few misfortunate friends that never knew my past. 8th grade I had enough walls to rebuild the Great Wall of China tenfold and then some. Now in 9th grade I was the freshman bitch, the smart one in the upper level classes. I was also the go-to-girl for advice. Since I'd seen it all and I had tried every copping method I was probably really good. But I still knew I was alone in the world.

I parked the tractor in the shed and walked slowly back towards _home. _Before I got even half way home my white t-shirt was completely see-through. I passed the trailer and headed down the driveway. The long wooded twists filled my mind driving away Nikki, Tay, and Chey flooding back the loneliness, the emptiness, the blank slate of ice I could fill with anything that I please. By the time I hit the dirt road my cloths clung to my thin structure and I was near freezing.

I headed around the block, I heard people around say thinks about "The Idiot in the White Shirt". I simply smiled. Love Me or Hate Me either way you will remember me. I ran the streets flipped forward, hopped backwards, hit a cartwheel, jump kicked a tree spinning around. Basically free running in the pouring rain with more style, more structure, and more freezing cold. Before I knew it people were videotaping me on every street. I was a little scared but I didn't stop. I kept on and kept on trying and failing it was fun for me and had to have been pretty damn funny for them.

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><p><strong>So there you have it, btw no hating on parcore I love it to but uhh... It seemed fit for Brittney's aditude <strong>

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	8. Nash

**I don't have any intention of sleeping to night so I will probably be updating like a shit ton, sorry If I bog you down**

HaPpY rEaDiNgS

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><p>I wasn't one to put on a show, but for my preppy ass neighbors? I would in a heartbeat. After 10 or 20 minutes people found it less interesting and people began to go back to their lives. "Thank god for rain" I said to myself as I stepped up the stairs slowly, then through the door. Nash sat in the living room in front of the video game where I could swear he has been since he dropped out. "This shit?" He said like I was crazy as he mashed buttons down on his controller.<p>

"Yes Nash, Rain! R-A-I-N" I spelled out slowly, "I love it" I said. Whatever tiny bit of smile the rain had brought washed away like sand in the ocean tide, "Fuck!" Nash screamed at the TV screen as I made my way to the bathroom. "Ya if you're insane." He called back to me. Irritation swept over my face as I fixed my pony tail. "But you are insane aren't you?" He said mocking my whimper. "You imagine everything!" He finished.

Nash had no problem reminding me I was on meds. Anything my parents think will make me less of a "_whiny bitch_" I was forced to take. But of course open access to sleeping pills, anti-depressants, and multiple schizophrenia meds, made my blue Kool-Aid of the hook. If only it would work. "'Eff off!" I shouted across the house so he wouldn't feel too accomplished. But of course over 5 seconds resistance and Nash wins as far as he was concerned. But luckily Nash isn't that bright.

Nash wasn't your average creep. I hate to admit it but he is hot. I hate to say he has tons of friends not something you would expect from someone who raped his little sister repeatedly for years right? "Watch it Brit! I will kick that big ass of your's to straight to hell" he hollered back to me clearly I was annoying him. I smiled in accomplishment and stepped into the hallway "Hmm..." I thought for a moment then looked up to him "promise?" I asked.

That really pissed Nash off because he shut up, which I was cool with. I looked at the clock in despair only noon? I frowned and walked into my room. I replaced my wet cloths with my hot pink dance shorts and a camisole. My radio was on quietly in the background I cranked it up over powering the noise of the video game. Skillfully I climbed into bed and began fumbling with a razor blade.

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><p><strong>You open your mouth the Razor blades come out <strong>

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	9. Blades And Knives

**New Character alert! Pay close attention to the details of the knew boy Josh he will be important later!**

HaPpyyy ReADinGgSs

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><p>I woke up in a puddle of my own dry blood. I slowly dragged myself out of the bed allowing each and every razor to make its mark on me. I picked up my phone Josh had texted me while I was out so had Tom. Normally these silly little text containing things like "Hey you!" and "Hello acquaintance" Josh was one of those people who had no clue there was even a wall. By the time I got around to putting it up he hoped over it. But him being hundreds of miles away made it ok. I trusted him with anything, told him everything. But at this moment, neither he nor Tom compared to this crazy rage that boiled inside of me.<p>

I plucked a razor carefully off the bed and tucked it neatly in my bra; I stepped quietly into the bathroom and ran water for a bath. Then I walked into the kitchen were all my medication was kept in a cabinet by the coffee pot. I took 2 Lunesta, an Adderall, and a few schizophrenia pills, I dry swallowed them quickly. I weaved my way back into the bathroom and shut the door, then locked it.

Slowly I pulled the blade out of its warm hiding place and set onto the counter with a small metallic ping. Slowly I undressed and examined the wounds on my thighs, butt, and lower back. I smiled as the blood dripped down out of them. _'There is no way I can survive this' _I thought climbing into the full tub. I shut off the water and reached over to the blade on the counter. I leaned back into the tub gripping the blade in my hand tightly, watching the blood rise from under me and flow into the water. I brought the razor quickly over to my chest and carved a small curving heart on my hip, then held out my left arm. I lined the blade up with my vein on my inner elbow dug it in and ripped it down. Blood sprang out of it like a spilt glass of milk.

I smiled, after just seconds the water around me was a faded preppy pink, I pulled the razor back and hacked at my leg adding to the red. My eyelids fluttered and I went into a sub conscious state. There was a nocking at the door. "Brittney! It's Hanna Please Please let me in!" she pleaded on the other side of the door. I stood up shaking the little blood left in my shifting through my body. I opened the door, blood puddled the floor around me as it sprang from my wrist, side, and all over my legs.

She began sobbing at the sight of me but didn't dare look away from my silent mangled body. She ripped out her phone and dialed 911 and as she did everything in me wanted to fight it but my body wouldn't accept my commands and I listened to her cry into the phone. My eyes went hazy and I fell backwards and hit the ground hard. The tile floor under me was cold and wet. Slowly I lost the sense of what was going on and blacked out completely.

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><p><strong>Live or Die? Live the show must go on!<strong>

**$$REVIEWS ARE love))  
><strong>


	10. Needle

**Oh the intensity!**

_Happy readings:)_

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><p>I woke up hours? Days? Weeks? Sometime later. I was lying in a hospital room hooked to a machine pumping more blood into my body. Hanna sat next to me weeping in his arms, his eyes were closed, my phone was on the table next to me, I pondered a moment if someone told Josh about all this seeing as he had to have texted me since however long ago I had gotten in here, probably more than once. I could see his disappointed face when I closed my eyes. I carefully trailed down my arm to the needle; I quickly ripped it out, tearing a larger whole into my arm. Smiling in accomplishment I quickly blacked out to the sound of the machines around me beeping profusely.<p>

This time I woke up Hanna was outside still crying he was still holding her. The doctor was mumbling medical terms to a social worker. I smiled and went to reach for the needle again. But to my despair I was hand cuffed to the bed. I used the rail to knock the needle out, which it did with ease and hit the floor which I moaned over.

The 2 men turned to face me for a second they both had Nash's face. I jumped a little obviously they noticed, the social worker introduced himself "My parents are fine this is a simple misunderstanding" is all I answered before blacking out again.

You would think after the 3rd attempt they would just quit saving me. But no somehow they did it again. I woke back up and the room was empty. I picked up my phone with the arm that had the needle in it. I was weak and the job was hard but I did it. I opened my in box, 37 texts from Josh. I sighed surely he knew, I fingered the buttons a moment trying to text but it wasn't working so I hit the green button over and over again until it said "outgoing call Guy3" I pulled the phone to my ear and listened to it ring "Britney! Thank god! You had me so worried!" "Sorry" I mumbled softly "what's going on" his voice was frantic. Doctors rushed in and began poking and prodding me they hung up on him. When they were done I let myself drift back to sleep.

"Good morning sunshine" Hanna said in her sing-song voice, she sat next to my bed, alone. I struggled out a weak smile. She frowned back at me "Brit, I love you" she began her usual cutting lecture, I cut her off "Tell Josh" I moaned out. She frowned again then picked up my phone and started texting. I laid back and tried for more sleep as Hanna went on in her rant.

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><p><strong>How the hell do you ever expect to get laid if all you do is stay and play on your computer games!<strong>

**r_eviews_**ARE **love****  
><strong>


	11. Jealousy

**I'm not saying it was your fault all though you could have done more..**

**HaPpY rEaDiNgS**

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><p>I woke up in a haze. I was still in my hospital bed; Tree was sitting next to me Hanna nowhere to be found. I smiled up at him a small sleepy smile. He noticed and smiled back down unto me, being alone with him made me so ecstatic despite the fact that I was in the hospital. "Well 'bout time you woke up" He spoke quietly; his low strong voice rang through my mind. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. "The doctors said it would be hard to talk our move much-" I cut him off attempting to lean up. He held up my back adjusting the bed and pillows to support me. "—Because of all the blood loss" He frowned at me.<p>

"Basically you're to anemic for all this blood loss and it's taken all you got" He dumbed it all down for me. I looked at him I tried to tell him I understood with my eyes and he must have got it because he went on, "You need lots of rest and you are officially on suicide watch." He spoke a little too calmly it almost scared me.

I wanted to fight again, but my body still wasn't listening. If it was I would have stood up and walked directly out of the hospital. Suicide watch? Who is "_the state"_ to tell me I have to live? Oh yes, the same dumb fucks that say I need school. News Flash: school is stupid! Almost stupider than suicide watch… It's my life! It's my life there for I will end it when, where, and how I want to. My heart was racing and I felt like my blood was boiling inside me raging with anger. Tree must have noticed he tried to calm me. "Brit, come one babe calm down its ok" He said frantically. Somehow I fell asleep like this… His hands wrapped over my body as he whispered calmly in my ear. In my mind I was screaming like an abused banshee and shacking like a Chihuahua on crack, but in reality I was perfectly still whimpering like a puppy. And I dozed off.

When I woke up the doctor was in my room again. He told me I had therapy twice a week starting next week for 3 to 4 weeks depending on my progress and until my therapy was up I wouldn't be allowed to leave the hospital. He told me that someone would be sent to search my house and my parents are being evaluated… I didn't quite know what he meant by evaluated but I knew I would pay for it. When the doctor was done he walked out of the room spoke to Hanna and Tree for a moment then walked away. Hanna and Tree stepped in the room; I was so tired of seeing her draped over him. I wanted him to in-conveniently crush her heart and send her to my left side in a broken ball the way she used to be. I wanted her happy just not with him. Tree would stand on my right side high mighty. Just like it used to be, but instead she was in the middle. To make matters worse Tree had no problem being affectionate around me, he had no problem being used as a coat rack for her body either so I guess he could just be that oblivious.

Naturally Jealousy was beyond me, accept when with. Accept with Tree.

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><p><strong>So do you have any one person who your jealous of? <strong>

**REVIEWS ARE LOVE!  
><strong>


	12. Dreaming

**The trouble with girls is there a mystery everything about 'em puzzles me**

_**happy reADINGS!**_

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><p>It's about midnight and I can almost feel my body. My mind brushes over life, and love, and everything under the sun. I try to lift my arm and in magic it responds. Slowly I reach for my phone and texted Josh "Sorry" I say. My fingers are slow and they don't respond well but it comes out something like "sortyy" He must have understood because he replied "Why? Brit, why did you do that?" I stared at it for a moment then drifted to sleep.<p>

I am back in his house its late like eleven or twelve, our conversation ran dry and his eyes looked tired. I sneak off up to his bedroom and lay down in the bed. I pretended I was sleeping hoping he would creep in with me, sure enough he did. He wraps his arms around me and it was as if there was a sudden chill we clung to each other's warmth. He slowly pulls my hair of my neck and kisses my neck whispering in my ear. He bites my earlobe. "Brit!" Hanna's voice interrupts my dream I wake up and she isn't there. I let my mind run wild again before focusing on Tree.

I know everything about him. But he doesn't even know where I start. I know him black and white inside and out. His hopes, his dreams, his everything, and I hope and I dream that he would be mine… 5'8, blue eyes, dirt blonde hair, born December 10th 1997 , he weighs 198 pounds, loves his eyes and football, he can't stand lying or his weight. He bites his nails and likes to sit around with his friends. I know all of the stupid trivial stuff.

He used to say he loved me once upon a time; I was even his best friend. He says I treat him like my own personal math problem. I figured that was true, but is it a bad thing? I snap back no slack right back to him every time. If you love something let it go and all that shit right? The saying rings my mind dry as I stare into the empty room. I pick up my phone and try to focus on a happier thought. Something I keep all to myself something who under stands, Josh. I text him "I don't know" But it comes out "I dokjnt knowe" He understands again. I smile; my friends always tell me no one can understand my random moans and whines Josh would. "You don't know? How do you not know why you tried to kill yourself?" His words were blunt, but nothing I couldn't handle.

Josh wouldn't lie to me, he has no problem telling me that I am being stupid or slutty or ignorant or anything else I may be. That's one of the things I like about him, he will tell you the truth even if it might hurt you. I must have taken too long to answer because my phone had what looked more like a spazz attack than an incoming call. It blared "God Gave Me You" and vibrated. I picked it up knowing it was Josh by the ringtone. "Hey" I spoke softly a sleepy smile covering my face. "Hey" he said "Sorry I'm thinking" I said "Don't use the stupid emotion on me" He said I giggled remembering the night I deiced sympathy was a stupid emotion. We talked for awhile nothing new just catching up.

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><p><strong>So this chapter was being an ass hat while I was typing and all the little paragraphs deiced to not line up the way I wanted them to so there you have that...<strong>


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